"capsule"

write a silent song
(no sound, no rhyme, no rhythm)
to record your life

more words, yet less coherence: a rambling-on I am unhappy with

[begun 3.22, 16:28]

"Love in the Form of Darkness"

I lie in bed past time, a pastime made possible
By the silencing of my alarm by a darker side of myself:
Awaking late, I scramble-stumble out of bed and grumble,
Put the music in my head and sing out for the passers-by
Who didn't invite my voice to their melancholy marchings.
Just another day as expected, as it always goes:
I walk half-sleeping through the doors and think of nothing
But you and wonder which words I'll stutter on when I see you,
Pondering looking forward to your face again.

As I make the grueling drive of lethargy I zone out in out in,
Escape a sour note, break a nail, and glance behind me
At an out-of-service police car, and I can't help but imagine
The antithesis you live,
The lights turning green as you approach them.

At last I see you, bumbling: my heart is beaming audibly;
You steal my breath away in a literal sense;
I make a fool of myself as expected, as it always goes;
Your image of me drops, my ego with it,
And I drag my feet back to this place called hesitantly home.
Here now I sit in this dank, dusty room of dirt,
Gray matter melting, molasses, into the dull of world's webbing,
Among too many clicks and hums and tweets and pokes and exhortations.

Your skin turns green with tiny digital fibers;
Feverish stomach leaps in bounds and twists and turns;
I type in preparation the words I've been planning all week;
The blinking barrier cursor stands upright in front of them,
Signaling the anxious of my scruples and the tinny tock-tick of time.
The Enter key demands a sudden burst of courage;
Quivering fingers imitate my mind,
And with a deep intake of superoxygen I tell them "tap."
The words appear and I stop breathing while I wait for you to say
You're not put off completely:
You speak just the words I want you to and I am disappointed.

This caustic act of coddled courting was the highlight of my day;
From there it goes downhill: you leave, I miss you.
I stick around and realise you have so many friends apart from me;
This doubly troubles me: I want to be your only.
Taking a step outside to heave out empty, grieve in pensive air,
This remnant quintuplet of wristed oracle-bonds met by a sixth:
Revealed to be a fraud, I cast it down again and curse its host.

I sit and work dark magic with my fingertips;
I try to squeeze the pain out through a rhyming machine;
I write of you through thirsting terms of blood and death and rot;
I feel I'll make myself feel better, think I'll soften up the blade
I've brought down upon my own fallow frame;
I poemify the darkness but the ink leaks not enough.

I try to like myself so you will like me too:
I have a hard time with this.
Hungrily I hear a ringtone gnawing on my leg;
Chewing on its melodies, I gulp the hope it's maybe you;
It isn't.

Wanting to stop sinking into myself,
I switch on the radio, but the sound of music is replaced
With only a cloud of gaseous rust
Infecting my earlobes, corroding my mind;
The screeching echoes truth.

Harrowed,
Love stalks me in the form of darkness,
Holds out her hand for me and turns her cheek:
But when I move to hold her, when I move to kiss,
I trip and fall such that her shoestrings form a noose around my neck,
And quietly I surrender my last swallow to humiliation.
Given up by her, I give her up,
Meekly fearing love in the form of darkness.

a daydream evergreen

"Gift"
by Antoine.

I want to give you my heart
This is an urge I must satisfy

I carved it out for you, see ?
I wanted you to have this
so I reached inside
and pulled it out
I severed its ties to my brain
to make you happy

It's beating just for you
spewing liquid love in your name
and you can have it now
my thank-you gift
for smiling

I ripped this organ out of me
ruptured all these needless veins
It wasn't doing me any good
All it did was ache

But you touched it
Now it's pounding
so I wrapped it up in seaweed
and held it out for you

I want you to take this
It's here in my hand
waiting
but you
are not here to accept
this token of emotion manifest

No I can't find you
I'm waiting
bleeding loving
dying
the earth red-black

I want to see you so badly it hurts
My breath it bursts from my stomach
Shortage holds me captive high
and it takes me to the place where the lies go to lie
and where you promised

I want to hold you so badly it kills me
Swelling up my insides clench with
feeling and I feel it reeling
Everything we want to lock out
the sorrow anger guilt frustration bitterness retaliation
hurtful words a demonstration of my panging pained impatience

This is why I tore it out
I couldn't stand to live without the living

You will find me lying in our place
my eyes a daydream evergreen
my heart still beating through my fingers
soaking never in a puddle of not yet

When you're here
you can cry for the sake of crying
lie for the sake of lying
die for the sake of always wanting more to life

[see also: Ex-Isle]

a new sphere of existence

"otherworldly"

something cosmic has slipped its axis
and now I am a nomad of Time:
every morning I wake up to
a new sphere of existence
a parallel reality
and every morning I hope to myself that
maybe in this one
you will love me.

there is a Time
and a Place
for every possibility.

there is a world
where you and I are strangers
and our paths are never to cross.
you don't know my name or my face
or what you're missing
so you go on alone
love wanting.
I have been there.

there is a world
where you don't know me
but you've found a kind of love
in another
and I hear of it in passing
with a forlorn frowning sigh.
I have been there.

there is a world
where we are friends
but just that
and the other to your couplet
is too my acquaintance.
in this I just must
close my eyes
and bear it through.
I have been there, often.

there is a world
where you you've made my rival:
you glare at me with eyes of scorn
and speak at me with metal in your voice
tonguing my blood in your thoughts.
I have been there.

there are many worlds like these
and then some more
but none of them are mine.
and under these conditions
boring self-derision in my heart
never
do you kiss me
like you once did.

still, every day I hope
and try and fail and try
and sometimes cry
and every day
I miss you.

[sequel coming soon: "anotherworldly"]

the life in me

"katydidn't"

sitting solitarily in solidarity with

the flutterbies inside me

here in this familiar venue

i await your arrival

thinking happy thoughts and

pondering all the great things about you

the things you love to do

the conversational catalysts we've uttered

me-too's and so-do-i's

and unintentional smiles

as i stir my hopes into my coffee cup

i glance toward the window and i see

a katydid

perched on a branch and peering through

the pane of solid liquid back at me

i smile

notice you enter

smile

and smile as you walk over

and take the seat next to

him.

totally ignored

i suddenly become the other guy

and the sweetness in my coffee turns to bitter

the sugar turns to sand and grits against my teeth like crystal

i am here mere feet from you and yet detached from all you are

abandoned

i wonder with all the laughs and the fact

you're just like me i'm just like you i just like you that's all

what makes me the extra ?

what makes me not worth even

acknowledging ?

it happens then

it all happens

so fast

you greet him he seats you you smile he lures you in you smile he lures you in closer and you smile oh your smile it's beautiful oohhh it's beautiful but then there's him and he smiles and it's terrible it's maddening it's saddening it's grrrr and i can't watch but i have to watch i need to know what's happening no i can't watch breathe out heavy sigh i clench my teeth and fists i close my eyes just make this disappear i whisper disappear deep breath i look again and he's closer now this is when i can hear my heart screaming it's yelling out this is not real saying this can't be real shouting this is not happening it can't be no no no no god no make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop.

it's all too much and i cower in cover

i just shrink and hide in his shadow

and slowly sip my tears spooned from a coffee cup

the life in me collapses

and turned the other way

i weakly open eyes to meet again

the katydid

i smile with the kind of happy you feel when you bleed to death

just before

the owl swoops

down claws out and talons

my friend away

pierces her frail green body

squeezes and her frame contracts

and in her eyes i can see a hopelessness

melting her soul

a shooting pain like melding glass with skin

before relinquishing her last breath to her captor

she emits a final ch,i...r;p`

she is no longer happy

and my lungs save me the heartbreak of breathing

[this is a sequel to katydid]

coming sooner or later

subject: Projects I have started and might complete at some point in the possibly near but probably distant future.
style: informative, hopeful
source: 11:37

"A good writer is one that wakes up in the middle of the night with an idea and quickly jots it down before it slips away into the darkness of the abyss."

POEMS.
"Timepiece" (some of it)

SHORT.
Afterdeath

NOVELLA.
Rainbeast

GAMES.
Four (some of it)
Pyfo
Claustro
Victor

FILM.
Monsters

SITES.
Dolmen
Anemone
Catfish

in the metaether

"wishes"

you tossed a penny and you wished

you made a prayer and you wished

you blew out the candles and you wished

you crossed your fingers and you wished

you watched the star fly by and you wished

you noticed the time and you wished

you held his hand and you wished

you broke a bone and you wished

you plucked a clover and you wished

in the dark you closed your eyes and you whimpered

and you wished

you didn't get what you wished for

and now you can't help but wonder

where did the wishes go ?

when you die and you find me

you will remember me and you will ask

where do the wishes go ?

i will tell you this story and you will understand

your doppelgänger mongers all your wishes

and holds them for you

keeps them safe and sound so that

when you join her in the metaether

she can show you them once more

and hold them out to you

and tear them into pieces in your face

poetry sweeter than mine

"katydid"

i wanted to write something for you

the other day

i wanted to write something for

you so i sat and i focused my mind on the blank of the page

but the blankness enveloped my thoughts

i wanted to write something

for you so i stared out the window and pondered

the leaves of the sky and the clouds in the trees

when a katydid

green hidden in green caught my eye

i opened the window and

she chirped

i smiled

turned back and scribbled a few words

decided their sounds settled static so scratched them out

tried a few more but my tongue found them bitter

i wanted to write

something for you so i tapped my pencil impatiently

and waited for genius to flood in and form

puddles in my heart but it

didn't

the katydid

chirped

i watched her watch her watcher

our eyes met

i drew up my pencil and drew out her figure

upon my canvas but it didn't do her justice

so i gave it up and retreated to words

i wanted to

write something for you but ran dry

so i folded some paper and i made you something cute

but i wasn't sure if you'd like it so i put it away

in my drawer i still have it there i'm quite proud of it

but you wouldn't like it

no

i wanted

to write something for you i really did

i tried so hard to think of something you might be

pleased to read

i tried to find some words that could describe you

but nothing worked they all ran false and i'm sorry

i'm a disappointment

i

wanted to write something for you but i failed

so i closed my eyes and listened

to the katydid

chirp

i wanted to write something for you

but all i can do

is sulk while the katydid

chirps

and makes poetry sweeter than mine

she chirps

and is happy

just because

she can

[there is a sequel: katydidn't]

her humbling curves

"Melanies"

[begun 2.21]

I met a girl named Melanie:

I introduced my fickle smile

and saw she needed company,

so joined her for a while.

She didn't speak much, but she was

a comfort for my aching eyes;

she sitting looking kissable

had had me mesmerized.

I thought at first she was unique:

one of a greater, wholesome kind;

admired the way she made me weak,

monopolized my mind.

As time went by I grew to see

she's not the only Melanie;

I've met another just last night,

her humbling curves accented by the lights.

You see, as a Melanie:

Her face has the same well-rounded features;

her legs have the same smooth delight;

her button nose has the same adorability.

She's gorgeous, but her stare is blank,

and when her paint is colour

she paints white.

You know for me it's plain to see

there's little special in this dame;

in fact, in fact her name's the same

as number two and number three.

A duplicate, a triplicate,

another cutesy desolate:

I see through it, the masquerade;

I see to it my point is made,

that there are many Melanies,

but only one of Bella.

~ mellow me.

?

"nightmare, ish"

by antoine.

you were young

you had a friend

one friend

one day

the owl came

took her away

spoke hoot

took her life

the owl did

your demons

answered

you were scared

you made a wish

one wish

one day

the owl'd come

chase them away

speak hoot

erase their stay

the owl would

your gods

answered

you were loved

you broke a heart

one heart

one day

the owl came

made you pay

spoke hoot

saved your life

the owl had

your worries

answered

you were alone

you cried a tear

one tear

one day

the owl came

dried your eyes

spoke hoot

changed your mind

the owl did

your dreams

answered

you were confused

you asked a question

one question

spoke hoot

are you owl

the owl didn't

answer