Tuesday, March 16, 2010

the life in me

"katydidn't"

sitting solitarily in solidarity with
the flutterbies inside me
here in this familiar venue
i await your arrival
thinking happy thoughts and
pondering all the great things about you
the things you love to do
the conversational catalysts we've uttered
me-too's and so-do-i's
and unintentional smiles

as i stir my hopes into my coffee cup
i glance toward the window and i see
a katydid
perched on a branch and peering through
the pane of solid liquid back at me
i smile
notice you enter
smile
and smile as you walk over
and take the seat next to
him.

totally ignored
i suddenly become the other guy
and the sweetness in my coffee turns to bitter
the sugar turns to sand and grits against my teeth like crystal
i am here mere feet from you and yet detached from all you are
abandoned
i wonder with all the laughs and the fact
you're just like me i'm just like you i just like you that's all
what makes me the extra ?
what makes me not worth even
acknowledging ?

it happens then
it all happens
so fast

you greet him he seats you you smile he lures you in you smile he lures you in closer and you smile oh your smile it's beautiful oohhh it's beautiful but then there's him and he smiles and it's terrible it's maddening it's saddening it's grrrr and i can't watch but i have to watch i need to know what's happening no i can't watch breathe out heavy sigh i clench my teeth and fists i close my eyes just make this disappear i whisper disappear deep breath i look again and he's closer now this is when i can hear my heart screaming it's yelling out this is not real saying this can't be real shouting this is not happening it can't be no no no no god no make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop.

it's all too much and i cower in cover
i just shrink and hide in his shadow
and slowly sip my tears spooned from a coffee cup

the life in me collapses
and turned the other way
i weakly open eyes to meet again
the katydid
i smile with the kind of happy you feel when you bleed to death
just before
the owl swoops
down claws out and talons
my friend away
pierces her frail green body
squeezes and her frame contracts

and in her eyes i can see a hopelessness
melting her soul
a shooting pain like melding glass with skin
before relinquishing her last breath to her captor
she emits a final ch,i...r;p`
she is no longer happy
and my lungs save me the heartbreak of breathing

[this is a sequel to katydid]

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