source: Correspondence
[10.16.08, two weeks before It happened.]
"i'm sick of being afraid.
i'm sick of hiding.i'm sick of pretending i'm happy with what we are.
when i go to a dance, or a luau, and everyone asks me, "where's diana
?" i want to tell them, "she's coming."
when our friends mock us cos they think we're too pda-y, when teachers
come by and yell at us for "hanging out" at school .. i want to tell
them everything. i want to tell them it's the only time and place we
have a chance to be together. i want to tell them we're breaking up in
eight months. i want to tell them to give us a break, because we're
the closest couple in our grade, and yet it won't last.
i want to tell them we only have about 100 hours left together. (i counted.)
i want to be able to list my relationship status on facebook as "in a
relationship with diana" and not "it's complicated."
but i can't. i can't do any of those things.
so instead, we need to get as far away from this place as possible."
If only.
4 comments:
interesting words you've said yourself:
"Seventeen months ago,
I found an answer to everything .
I found my missing piece,
my other half ..
potentially, at least .
If nothing else, I found a new friend ."
"I decided the chances were slim
that I would ever be able to love again .
At least not like I loved, and still love, her ."
"Maybe this is not love .
I only wish it were true ..
that maybe I have forgotten what love feels like .
that I wouldn't recognize it if it bxtch-slapped me ..
Or at least I don't know how I would ."
you thought these things once upon a time. some of them, maybe twice...maybe stronger. never say never. never think in absolutes. you can always feel like that again.
I don't doubt it.
Did you ever think that maybe I *like* being hopelessly in love ?
If you *like* being hopelessly in love, then why do you seem so miserable about it? Or is it only fun if the feeling is reciprocated?
This misery has a certain charm about it.
It occurred to me the other day, that loving you from a distance has had a cathartic, almost refreshing, impact on my demeanor.
It inspires me.
And I don't believe I know what it feels like to be loved, so I couldn't say how much fun it is.
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